16]

I’m not really even going to talk about that right now.

I wish I would throw up, that way I’d at least feel a little better.

I don’t know why I keep asking “why did you do it?” 

Because there isn’t even a good excuse…

So there will never be a good reason.

—-

So I pretty much miss Thomas.

Yah.  Pretty much, sorta, kinda, really, very muchly, absolutely, terribly, actually, somewhat, super-duperly miss him.

yah.

We’re getting married when I get home.

seriously.

You don’t beleive me?

Then you’re aware of federal laws.

Good for you.

List of things I really want to see:

-The Strangers

-The marvelous misadventures of flapjack (It premeres on my Bday!!!)

-Kung Fu Panda

Yeah… That’s just a few for now.  I’ll probably add later.

21 days till my Birthday!  Good ole 19.  It really doesn’t get you anywhere…. So I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

Mom brought up Don the other day.  Which is actually pretty cool.  Maybe she knows me better than I think… hah.  But seriously.  It would be awesome to go see him some time… Just to see how he is.  I wonder a lot.  The only problem with that is that I would hate to meet him, and realize that I wasn’t as important to him as he was to me.  But I guess he probably thinks the same thing.

My kstate visit went pretty well.  Got a nice tour, met my advisor and stuff.  So I feel a little less lost, but I’m kind of having some anxiety over my major.  I have a severe case of the “what-ifs”.  I’m just afraid my art wont be good enough, or I’ll suck at my major.  And I don’t want to waste a semester changing my major.  Bleh!  I don’t even really want to think about it.  I just want next year to start so I can just start getting used to it.  I’m just freaking out about all sorts of stuff…  Classes, dorms, dorm mate, seeing thomas, getting a job…  Bleh!!  Not going to think about it. hah

Thomas had a bad dream last night… he said that I went off to college and forgot about him because I had found someone else.  I feel really bad that he had such a horrible dream.. because I’ve had them before too.  But to be honest, I’m very confident in my comfort with him… And I’m not even concerned about being away from him because I know we’ll see each other frequently.  I don’t know… I just don’t really worry about it… and that’s nice :).

I’ve been spending a nice week with my family.  I’ve watched a ton of tv with Martin, had a great trip to manhattan with mom, Lots of time hanging out with everyone.  I’ve given lots and lots of cuddles to my little brother too.  I took a bunch of pictures of us too.. I don’t think I have enough of those :(.

Only two more days left with them.  I leave on Saterday early in the morning.  Hopefully dad decides to call me so I actually have something to wear to bethanies graduation. hmmm…

I had an amazing talk with Lucas…  Although I think I might annoy him a little bit.  He talks sense into me, but I still get upset about things that I shouldn’t even care about.  It’s probably hard for him to watch someone he cares about get hurt all the time.

Well I beleive that’s all i have to say for now…

Until I decide to talk about it,

Suteki da ne?

-no, its  not.

 

Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss, Baby

He smelled like you last night…

Only for a second, but it was enough to make me slam on the brakes.

Yes I am over you,

I’m just not over the things you did to me.

This is a realization that came a little too late.

And you know what…

The scary part isn’t that he smelled like you.

It’s that I even remember what that smell is.

—-

Muffins at noon!

Yeah!

Great way to start the day, right?

And they’re whole grain… So later.. I’ll have to make a nice poop.

Ahh the joys of health food.

But any ways.

I’m sitting around at home.. Waiting for Thomas to get here to see me a few hours before I leave to go home for a week. I really should be cleaning right now. In fact, dad just came upstairs to coach me on how to clean my bathroom. hah!

Thomas is on his way over, after we had a little fight. Ahh the joys of early morning fights. We always have some episode on Saturday mornings. Why are we so cranky at this time? lol…

I can’t wait to get home!! I get to see my little pooka! I’m so excited. I’m going to cuddle the bajesus out of him.

Yesterday my credit card didn’t work at sonic! And I know I have monies in there. So I don’t know what its problem is. *hmmm*

So… I officially graduate today. Happy graduation to me!!! Congrats, Beck. Ahhh… ha… hah… ha! That’d be nice if I could hear it from someone else. ahhhhhhhhhh…. stunning.

But yea, besides waking up particularly bitter this morning, I guess there’s not much else to say.

Until next time,

Suteki da ne.

Happiness Happening

First day off of school!

yes!

I’ve spent most of it talking to dad, and on the computer. I’ve been awake for like three hours, but it feels like not very long at all.

I’m going to go tanning here shortly, after this post. I haven’t written for two days, and I feel like such a slacker.

Debbie is on her very first chemo… AKA the grumpy chemo. And it makes me feel really bad. I know how much she hates it…

I feel a lot better about all of my kstate stuff. Dad called today and got us an appointment. She said enrollment is in June, and orientation is on June 17th. So we’re not behind in that… just housing.

I leave Saturday to go home to mom. I’m pretty excited to see my little brother!! I’ll be sure to take oodles and oodles of pictures of him while I’m there too, so I can put some up.

I have this crazy feeling that I have something majorly important to do today… and it’s driving me nuts!

But that could just be because I don’t have anything to do. lol

Here are my grades so far:

Chem:B

Psych: A

Gov: B

Eng: B

Art: A

Modern Nov: A

Sooo… depending on if I got an A or a B in lit.. I’ll have a 3.4 or 3.5 GPA. Which is pretty impressive if you ask me.

But yeah.. I just barely skimmed Gov. I ended up with a 79.5% So BARELY a b. haha. Doesn’t matter.. It’s the same GPA whether its a 79.5 or an 89.4

Poor Thomas! He’s going to be so bored without me for a week! I wish he could come with me… But he still has school. sucka! hah

I have quite a few people that I need to visit while I’m in town… Pyro, Lucas, Sam…

I’m deciding on whether or not I’m going to visit Mike in Plainville while I’m up north.

Might…

Might not…

It’s kind of in the air right now… We’ll have to see.

I don’t really have anything particularly interesting to tell of today.

I have an appointment with either Liz or Ginger tomorrow. Neither of which I really care to see. But I have to. The Lamictal hasn’t been working at all… So I guess it’s back to the drawing board. *sigh*

I have work today at three thirty… But that’s all that I really HAVE to do. Dad wants me to help him with some work after that… He said he’ll pay me. So I guess it’s a chance at some extra cash! Which is always nice.

I’m going to be poor when I get back from seeing mom, because my next paycheck is going to be little to nothing. Prolly like fifty bucks. hah I had to miss tuesday, and then I’ll be gone all next week, and both weekends. So I’ll be quite a bit poor. hah!

I officially graduate this weekend. So I better be getting some graduation presents! Especially since I got the two year in ONE. If that’s not worth something… then idk what is! lol

Some of the things on my list:

Mini-Fridge

Printer

TV

Microwave

Thats all for now I think. But a minifridge would be freakin awesome!

I’m actually pretty stoked about moving… Just have to find a way to sneak thomas in to my dorms on the weekends… hah! We’ll figure something out.

Anyways.. It is now two hours till work.. So I’m going to go get my tanning time in.

Until next time!

Suteki da ne

Made of Glass

This will yet again be a relatively quick post.

Only six more minutes till I leave to go pick up thomas from school.

Needless to say, I am not exactly excited about going to work.

I am such a procrastinator.. I haven’t even gotten around to taking some good pictures of my hair yet. Or I would put them up. I guess that will have to wait for another day…

..as well as that poem, which I had full intentions of copying down just now… but it just to happens to be downstairs in my backpack.

I had Feta Cheese for lunch. Which always makes my day bright and cheery.

But the chemicals in my brain beg to differ. So I’m listening to a little Infected Mushroom… Waiting for the time to pass so I can hurry up and get to work so I can hurry up and get home… So I can hurry up and study, so I can hurry up and sleep.

hurry, hurry, hurry.

But soon it will be summer time. And there will be much less hurry. (hopefully).

Although I am taking 12 hours. So maybe I’ll be just as continually stressed out as I always am. Because with my luck, I will have picked out the four most demanding summer electives of the whole bunch. But I guess there wasn’t much to choose from. So maybe it isn’t really all my fault.

I guess this was just a quick post. A nice little time waster…

Although I do like my title. It is quite nice. Too bad I wasted it on this tiny little 300 word post!

No Topanga’s in town.. So I will have to wait until we go to Bartlesville again.

I guess I’ll chat later. Hopefully a good long post full of thought for a change!

Until then,

Suteki da ne.

Orchestral Version

Hmmmm hm… huh hm huh hm…. huh hm huh hm… huh hm huh hm huh hm huh hm… huh hm huh hm….

I have a song playing in my head…

Slow and sad..

And relatively edgy.

Reminding me of you so subtly, that I sometimes forget you’re even there.

——

Finals Tomorrow.

Chem on Monday at 8

Government on Tuesday at 8

And the rest are just kind of scattered throughout.. but don’t really matter because they consist of food.

My predictions for grades on these two finals?

Chem = D

Gov = (hopefully) C

lol!

And as long as I register to vote on Monday… The lowest I can get on the Gov final to get a B is a 72% Which I am pretty sure is obtainable.

Thomas bought me Topanga’s bowl and stuff today…

And tomorrow we’re going to go get her if the pet store in town even sells them. Which seeing as how it IS Independence, I might not ever get a Topanga.

Today was great. Although I think Thomas wanted to make it… more?…. something…

Idk… I thought it was nice I enjoyed having a day where we actually went somewhere… instead of just laying around the house.

But now I feel like I’m going to turn into a big giant long john silvers pimple and die. Which isn’t so nice a feeling.

But I got the haircut… bought some pants, a shirt, a bracelet, and two things of earings… and got topangas stuff… and ate twice at two of my favorite places in the whole worrrlllddd!!!

I’m getting ready to go to washington soon. I think I’ll spend about a week there. And the entire time I am going to cuddle with my little brother. I’m going to hold him down and let him squirm and scream, but I wont pay attention to it. I’ll just keep cuddling him. hah! I’m sure I’ll get to watch all sorts of Spongebob and Handy Manny.

Which I find slightly racist. I think Manny is like mexican or something..? Maybe this is just me relaying some racist subconscious thing coming out of my brain.

But that’s a sidetrack. Forget that.

Got some Daniel Tosh time in too. Which is always a nice addition to anyones day.

Unless you have a boob job. Or are a Vin Diesel fan…

and in that case.. you should be at home coloring.

But anyway… I think that is all for now.

I have that emo poem sitting here in my lap, but seeing as its like 6 stansas long.. each 6 sentences… I think I’ll pass till some other time. I have to get up early tomorrow… but then after chem I’ll have some free time… So maybe then.

Until Then,

Suteki da ne.

Oh… And a pic of spencers band playing….

Month Number 5

“The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

Just a quote I find interesting. Not really that relevent to anything going on.

I’m getting my haircut today finally…

It is going to look like the right side of this picture…

Hopefully it turns out well.

But I’m getting it done at walmart, so you never really know.

Something interesting I just noticed..

Thomas and I’s anniversary coincides with the month.

So… May is the fifth month…

Today is our fifth anniversary.

Hmmm… interesting.

Maybe we should get married on December 4th. Just to make it easier on me

Ummm… Didn’t post last night because I fell asleep at Thomas’s till like 3. Didn’t really feel like typing at that point. But I think I did enough writing throughout the day to compensate for not writing that night.

But anyways.. It’s getting close to one. So I should be getting on my way back to walmart.

Until later…

Suteki da ne.

oh!

P.S. Thomas is taking me somewhere.. he made today a surprise… soooo I’m not sure what his plans are. What a little cutie :)… I’ll tell you more about it later tonight I guess! <3

Oh, Ruby Blue

So I finally made it home.

After sharing..

yes… unfortunately I said “sharing”..

A barbecue lunch with  Thomas.

Note: He eats like a caveman.

So now I’m getting ready to think about getting my hair cut.  Which I haven’t done in like a year.  So this could be a big deal.

If I happen to do so.. I’ll be sure to upload pictures of myself.. which I haven’t done at all yet.

So maybe we’ll get a real nice “before-after” photo album going on.

So for now… this being my second post of the day… I am going to throw on here some Pic’s from the SEK art show…

As well as a pregnant lady I carved into wood with a spoon and a bobby pin.  Which I think I already told you about…
So… Until tonight!

Suteki da ne!

Here it is!  Sorry for the glare, I wasn’t allowed to use flash.

And I very much wanted to steal that little ribbon…

But I resisted.

I’ll get it on Monday.

This is a Piece that my friend from design class last semester painted.  It’s a “cubist landscape” and you can’t tell from the picture, but all of those flowers and the tree trunks and stuff are really thick impasto.. so they poke out.

This is my pretty little statue I’ve been raving about for a few days.. hah.  Isn’t she lovely?

Because Silence is Harder…

And we keep on paying those freaks on the TV,
Who claim they will save us but want to enslave us.
And sweating like demons they scream through our speakers
But we leave the sound on ’cause silence is harder.
And no ones the killer and no ones the martyr
The world that has made us can no longer contain us
And profits are silent and rotting away ’cause
The consonants and vowels
The consequence of sounds.

-Regina Spektor

This is just a quick post… Maybe just a little recapping of my mind for the day.

I got up at the crack of dawn…

Approximately 7:55 (i know, but thats dawn for me)

Got to work at 8:00 (which happened to be 8:21 in the real world)

And planted plants for two hours and 39 minutes of my life.

I made my way to the art museum today to look at my picture and see the pretty red ribbon I won for it… Needless to say Thomas was still not impressed. Although I do appreciate his attempt to make up some reason to be fond of it this time around, where the other four previous to this did not exactly strike his fancy.

But I’ve been in a mood the last few day, what with finals and the news of Debbie and everything bugging me. So he’s being a sweetie trying to cheer me up and all. I really do sincerely appreciate it. Not to many people in the world left that are working hard every day to make me smile at least once.

It’s nice.

Thomas and I were talking a little earlier about image hosting.. And he’s going to make my my own website off of his to let me host my own images.. So I don’t have whatever limit is set on this site. So that should be nice…

I’ll post some pic’s later of the artwork that was kept in the museum…

Until then,

Suteki da ne.

Alexithymia

“With downcast eyes
There’s more to living than being alive

Are you where you thought you’d be
So beautiful and only twenty-three
Opposition rests in the hearts
With no, with no, with no opportunity
It’s not that we don’t talk
It’s just no one really listens and honesty fades
Like a politician lost in the course
All smiles and no one remembers our names“

-Anberlin

Lets see…

What did I do today again?

I seem to be having problems remembering…

oh

yes…

thats right!

I slept.

In fact, it is two in the morning right now. And I’ve been asleep since 7:30 pm. Plus the two hour nap this morning… AND the five hours before work that I’m about to partake in…

put that all together.. and I believe that gives you about 13.5 hours. Half of a day of my life… and I spend it asleep.

Gah… My head hurts so bad… I feel a migraine coming on.

Great.

And the reason for this newly developed epidemic?

Alexithymia.

And for those of us who don’t know exactly what that is…

Alexithymia - noun - difficulty in experiencing, expressing, and describing emotional responses.

So what exactly is my problem?

Well…

In general… The problem is that I’ve known about Debbie for two days now.

And besides sleeping half of that time…

I’ve given it no response.

I don’t think about it, I don’t talk about it, I don’t cry about it. (except for a few times)

But what is wrong with me in specific…

well… Your guess is as good as mine.

I don’t think it has anything to do with NOT having any emotional ties to the subject. Because she is in fact my mother… (step-mother, but it has all become the same to me). Maybe it is just my minds defense mechanism. Maybe it is that I don’t want to think about it. That I don’t want to express it, because then it will overcome me… consume me… just like the fear of my own death.

Or maybe that’s the problem. Maybe it isn’t my own death that I fear, but the death of anyone at all. Especially the people that I most care about.

Or, maybe it’s that my mind just can’t process it right now. It just seems so unreal to me that someone can give you an “expiration date”. Just like you’re a piece of fruit with a bruise… and you’ll be bad in a few days. How is that even fair? How can something like this just go on happening without anyone figuring it out yet? It’s just so unfair. But then again.. what isn’t?

This seems to be the path that my life is taking. Slowly eating away at every strand of optimism I have left. Forcing me into situations that no one should ever have to deal with.

But I’m still here.

I read somewhere that bipolar disorder has a 20% successful suicide rate.

But I have my reasons for staying here.

But we’ll get into that some other time I suppose.

So.. I will try to work on curing this awful disease (alexithymia, for those of us who forgot what we were even talking about).. so I can finally relax and live my life ALIVE.

Poor Thomas… Kid doesn’t really know what to think about all of this. I’m sure it’s hard for him to relate in some ways, but he does his best to help me deal with this stuff. Including letting me skip out on him on a Friday night to pass out on his bed for seven hours.

But on a slightly brighter note…

Last day of ICC classes EVER!

Besides the ones I have online this summer… But those don’t matter because I wont have to actually talk to anyone. Which is nice.

I need to get Kstate crap figured out. Because it would make me angry to have to live with someone. Gah. I dislike girls… and that close a range with one would probably drive me up a wall.

Work tomorrow… Then art show… Then shower… Then I’ll probably hang out with the family (and thomas).

That should be enjoyable. Hopefully I don’t pass out again…

In exactly four and a half hours I will be at a donut shop… yay! Go nuts for donuts! What a great way to start a day… the sugar induced coma way!

I think that’s it for now… Probably more tomorrow… And definitely will try to remember to get that emo poetry up… As well as some pictures from the art project that got second place in the SEK art competition. Won me some monies! I was pretty excited, although thomas still isn’t too impressed with it. hah. Maybe collages just aren’t his thing. Although he argues that collages aren’t MY thing. This just proves that I’m the awesomeness at collage. haha.

I’ll also put pictures of my little statue up here too. It’s carved out of this weird wood/foam stuff… and I did it with a spoon and a bobby pin! hah. So I’m slightly impressed with it as well.

Untill then,

Suteki da ne

Finally! Fantastic Photography

Ahhh… the joys of Alliteration.

Some day I’ll get around to posting my favorites from the archives.. back in the day when I was all carefree and such in high school.

But that’s for another day.

So we’ll just have to deal with viewing some recent stuff.

Although there isn’t a whole lot, which saddens me.  I seem to have lost time for it…

but I guess that’s the unfair trade for finishing 43 hours this year.

Anyways.. enough of that soap box.

Yesterday was a big storm… So I drug Thomas out of the house to the overlook at the Elk City Park…  And proceeded in our ritual of climbing on TOP of the roof of the lookout station.

It is quite the accomplishment for someone who is terrified of heights…

And trust me, I fit that description.

Wait…

Forget that, it’s besides the point.

The point IS that I got some amazingly beautiful photographs of a particularly large Kansas Thunderstorm crossing a huge glassy lake.

Magnificent!

Oh!  And some horses… They were there too.

Next!

About a week ago.. I was heading toward my house, and I turned to look at something in my purse… I went to grab the doorknob with my other hand, and right before I grabbed the knob, I turned to look at it…

and…

Screamed. yes.. Screamed… right in front of all the neighbors who already think I like crack… (apparently loud music and fast driving is unorthodox in the country club community)… but yes… (reiterating) screamed.

yeah… i said screamed.

Okay.

I’m done.

So I screamed, right? And you know why?

No.. of course you don’t.. Unless you got agitated at all the screaming and scrolled down a wee bit.

But you would never do that… would you…

So…

There was a frog… just a baby… sitting RIGHT smack dab on top of my doorknob.

He was a cutie!  Pretty yellow legs and sticky suction cup feets!

So yeah.. There’s pictures of him here too….

I kind of stalked him all over the front porch until I had class.  And he was quite the little photography subject!  What a little sweetheart… every time I changed the angle, he turned to look at the camera.

how nice

Until Next Time,

Suteki da ne

This one turned out nicely.. Although I couldn’t quite get it to show what I wanted it to.

I like how the grass turned a nice green color.

I like the bumpy clouds at the top the most of this I think. hah

Pretty Thomas

Another pretty Thomas… He gets so nervous about pictures. But when he relaxes they end up so good!

Although he would probably disagree with me/not know what I’m talking about.. This piece has a LOT of emotions that I think really apply to him as a person.

My adorable little froggy friend!

Isn’t he just the cutest little thing!?