The Deepest Blue

I hate how I let these things slip by.  Writing is the greatest way to express myself… and just like I abandoned Ginger, and many others who have tried to help me, I have abandoned my need to write.

Recently, I’ve been attempting to find a little bit of my own personal strength.  In fact, I think that my fear of becoming dependent on someone, is pretty much null and void.  How can I be afraid of something that my life is almost completely centered around.  My stupid back, my stupid bp.  I can’t exactly do much on my own.  But maybe trusting people with my life is saving my sanity.  In fact, with others to keep watch of me, I’m a little less liable to do something stupid.

So I’m finally starting up modeling again.  Despite the HUGE truth that I will eventually (and probably soon) have back surgery.  And this will be awesome, except for the fact that a HUGE back scar, will NOT make good modeling material.  And a model with only ONE good side, doesn’t make for good modeling material.  SO although I seem to feel like voiding this fact from my mind, it is always there.. toying with my brain.. always showing me the reality of the situation.  In fact, if you think about it… this is dream number two being ruined by back pain/surgery.  But I guess I’ll have to work around it.

Seems like life recently has been giving me nothing but sour notes to talk about…  Debbie goes to the major cancer treatment center in a few weeks.  Although this sounds like a great development.. don’t be fooled.  People that go to this place are the ones with barely any hope left.. and only months to live.  Chemo isn’t working, and the cancer is getting bigger.  Idk what I’m going to do if I lose a mom this year.  And I’m even more concerned about how dad is going to take it, than how I’m going to take it.

On the brighter side, however…

College coming up soon!  And I’m not even stressing about it anymore… Besides what I should bring and not bring.  But I’m sure I’ll figure that out later…

Spencer got accepted to its enternship… So he’ll be moving to France either next semester or next year.  I’m verrrrryyy proud of him for figuring out his life and following his dreams.

I think thats all for today on “the brighter side”.

never is too much of that, now is there? lols.

Well.. I’ll try to keep up on my posting…

so.. until next time… Suteki da Ne!

Love Aeterna

Love is not a place, to come and go as we please, it is a house we enter in, and then commit to never leave. So lock the door behind you, throw away the key, we’ll work it out together, let it bring us to our knees.

To some love is a word that they can fall into, but when they’re falling out, keeping their word is hard to do

Love will come to save us, if we’ll only call, it will ask nothing from us, but demand we give our all.

Love is a shelter in a raging storm; Love is peace in a middle of a war,
No, love is not a fight, but is something worth fighting for.
I will fight for you,

Would you fight for me?

It’s worth fighting for.

To my love,

I miss you poo!

Jaws Theme Swimming

Take the picture from the wall when you think that nothing matters.
Take the picture from the plane and it’s a long ways to the floor.
Cut your finger on the edge cause it’s sharper than they told you.
Take a leap from out the window cause it’s way too far to go through the door.

-Brand New

I’m thinking now…

And perhaps it was a good idea that I didn’t see you before you left.

I’ve been looking at old pictures.

I was so young, you were everything.. I was so happy…

I was naive.

To think that you could really promise away your past.

I BELIEVED you… every lie you ever spoke to me.. I took those promises to heart.

I defended you to everyone who said you were no good….

And now who looks like a fool…

me.

I guess you got away with it.

Just like you knew you would.

—

I’ve realized that I really need to start believing in myself again.  It’s in the times that we feel the greatest amount of pain that we become our strongest.  Or so I hope.  It would be nice to gain back some of that.  Sometimes I feel like I’ve turned into nothing but a big fat booger… Slouching around doing nothing.

This is going to be an excruciatingly short post.  I just wanted to keep myself up to date on some thoughts today.. such as the wonderful song I heard today that empowered my to finally write a bit of spite towards him.

Until Next time,

Suteki da ne!

Perfection Defection

I am the mastermind
Intelligent by design
It makes me wanna cry

I am the mastermind
And now that im satisfied
It’s time to say goodbye
Good-bye

Your time has come
Kiss it all good-bye

-Mindless Self Indulgence

—-

The theme of the day is loss.

And the fear of losing.

All day my mind has been consumed with nothing less than thoughts of losing my family, my friends, my sanity, and my life itself.

Not necessarily my life in the sense of Death. But that of a metaphorical “death”.

—

I’ve now decided that I am going to allow the anger to take over.

It is time to be spiteful.

Because to be reborn with a sense of hope and a new trust in love…

I will have to accept the anger, submerge myself in it, and move on.

—

Today will be a particularly short post.

Just stopping by to remind that I am in fact still alive, and that things are still going as usual.

Joshua’s Birthday today, so I’ll be out with Thomas tonight… so there will probably be no post later.

Until next time!

Suteki da ne~

Delightfully Emo Poetry

Here is a little background on this poem, just in case it’s been so long you’ve forgotten me talking about it! Which would not really surprise me considering its been quite a while since I wrote it.

It is a poem that I had to write for Mr. Hoven’s Introduction to Literature class as my final. The way the poem is set up, you start by chosing 6 words. Those 6 words are then repeated as the last word in each line of the four stanzas, but in different order. It sounds really complicated now, but when you read my example you’ll catch on. It was pretty difficult for me, considering we had some really dumb words that were hard to use in poetry such as milk and oven… but the other three made it easy to construct the poem while using milk and oven as a metaphor or simile.

But anyways! Enjoy.. Read into it all you want… It has meaning to me, but I am sure it will mean something completely different to anyone that reads it.

Oh, and I’m pulling an Emily Dickinson for the Title… I know I know! I just can’t get too creative today, so you’ll just have to deal with it! O.o

—-

“There is no way home”

By Rebecca Tincher

“There is no way home,”

It says as I walk in the rain.

The world is full of vice,

We fill ourselves with it like heat fills an oven,

Always praying to the light

That pours out like milk.

My blood runs thick like milk,

My body is its home.

Sometimes there is no light

When my soul pours out like rain.

My thoughts bake in the oven,

Leaving no reason for my vice.

Time to become the vice.

It causes my blood to curdle like milk

And my temper becomes as hot as an oven.

Now I do not know my way home

To protect me from the violence of the rain.

So I wait for the light.

No, now I pray for the light,

Begging for its shelter from the vice.

But I’m still standing in the rain,

Bones chilled like cool milk.

I am waiting for my home.

For warmth, like that beside an oven.

How I wish for the warmth of an oven

Now in the chilled absence of light.

Why have I not yet found my way home?

I instead have found myself in the city of vice,

Its people bland and tasteless like milk.

All of them alone in the rain.

But they never even notice the rain

Nor wish for the warmth from an oven

For they have become the chill of the milk:

Never hoping for the light,

Just taking in the vice,

But they know the truth about home.

There is no light,

There is only vice,

And there will never be a way home.

Let it be

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, …..

-The Beatles

To my cousin Ashden… Your family misses you. RIP

Here is her obituary… With a beautiful picture of Ashden and the article about her life and passing…

http://www.morningsun.net/obituaries/x194399835/Ashden-Elizabeth-Kranker

Here is the article about the wreck that took her life…

http://www.kansascity.com/news/breaking_news/story/622700.html

I’m not exactly sure how long the links will last, but hopefully they’ll work in the future.

—

A lot of things on my mind these past few weeks…

All but a few of them are unpleasant.

I’ve decided months ago that I was going to write a book about myself, but I never really get around to it. So maybe all of this writing will serve as a start… or at least a reference in the future when I really do decide to get around to writing.

What’s been on my mind though?

Uhmmm…

Mike

of course… *sigh*

we’re still not going to get in to that.

My cousin… which brought on thoughts of what it is going to be like when Debbie dies… Dad and I had a few conversations about what the plans are and what it’s going to be like. We both ended up deciding that we didn’t really want to have to think about it.

But you know, honestly, this kind of thing just makes my mind go “hmm.. I wonder who else will die this year.” Yeah… It’s kind of sick, I know.

I’m still freaking out about KSU. Seriously. It’s starting to drive me insane. I’m terrified of my major, I’m terrified of living with someone, I’m terrified of forgetting about thomas (or vice versa), I’m terrified of not being able to get a job, and completely terrified of having to meet new people all over again. I think I’m just going to continue to worry about it until I actually get to move there and deal with it.

I’m completely pissed off about gaining weight too. Yeah. And It’s just going to get worse with the new BC. Meh. Thanks for the awesome ovaries mama. <3

But ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE…

Had an amazing week with my mommy marinus and little brother martin yofuss! I tried to put up pics… but wordpress’s thing a ma bob isn’t working. soooo… you’ll just have to wait it out.

I am also home with my Thomas now. Which makes me feel a lot better. It’s weird being without him when I’m used to being around him so often.

“I’m just a bill… yeah I’m only a bill.. and I’m sittin here on capitol hill!” yeah… sorry.. that was just on my AIM radio, so I thought I’d shoot that out there.

Uhmmm… back on track….

This is actually something that Ginger told me to start doing… sift through all the really shitty stuff happening and focus on something good… even though my mind always weighs things and says “well, even though three hundred little good things happened, my life sucks because these three epic-ly shitty things happened”… soooo… Keep going with the positive-ness.

I got a plant today…. It was in a pile of dead ones I was supposed to throw away, so I kind of sort of stole it. hah. But they won’t miss it because they were throwing it away any way. So I’m going to nurse it back to health.

I have 609.60 in my savings and 20 in my checking… how fuckin sweet is THAT!? yeahs…. It’s my goal to have 1000 bucks in my savings for next year.

So yeah, I’m starting to get tired of typing… sooo…

Until next time,

Suteki da ne.

16]

I’m not really even going to talk about that right now.

I wish I would throw up, that way I’d at least feel a little better.

I don’t know why I keep asking “why did you do it?” 

Because there isn’t even a good excuse…

So there will never be a good reason.

—-

So I pretty much miss Thomas.

Yah.  Pretty much, sorta, kinda, really, very muchly, absolutely, terribly, actually, somewhat, super-duperly miss him.

yah.

We’re getting married when I get home.

seriously.

You don’t beleive me?

Then you’re aware of federal laws.

Good for you.

List of things I really want to see:

-The Strangers

-The marvelous misadventures of flapjack (It premeres on my Bday!!!)

-Kung Fu Panda

Yeah… That’s just a few for now.  I’ll probably add later.

21 days till my Birthday!  Good ole 19.  It really doesn’t get you anywhere…. So I suppose it doesn’t really matter.

Mom brought up Don the other day.  Which is actually pretty cool.  Maybe she knows me better than I think… hah.  But seriously.  It would be awesome to go see him some time… Just to see how he is.  I wonder a lot.  The only problem with that is that I would hate to meet him, and realize that I wasn’t as important to him as he was to me.  But I guess he probably thinks the same thing.

My kstate visit went pretty well.  Got a nice tour, met my advisor and stuff.  So I feel a little less lost, but I’m kind of having some anxiety over my major.  I have a severe case of the “what-ifs”.  I’m just afraid my art wont be good enough, or I’ll suck at my major.  And I don’t want to waste a semester changing my major.  Bleh!  I don’t even really want to think about it.  I just want next year to start so I can just start getting used to it.  I’m just freaking out about all sorts of stuff…  Classes, dorms, dorm mate, seeing thomas, getting a job…  Bleh!!  Not going to think about it. hah

Thomas had a bad dream last night… he said that I went off to college and forgot about him because I had found someone else.  I feel really bad that he had such a horrible dream.. because I’ve had them before too.  But to be honest, I’m very confident in my comfort with him… And I’m not even concerned about being away from him because I know we’ll see each other frequently.  I don’t know… I just don’t really worry about it… and that’s nice .

I’ve been spending a nice week with my family.  I’ve watched a ton of tv with Martin, had a great trip to manhattan with mom, Lots of time hanging out with everyone.  I’ve given lots and lots of cuddles to my little brother too.  I took a bunch of pictures of us too.. I don’t think I have enough of those .

Only two more days left with them.  I leave on Saterday early in the morning.  Hopefully dad decides to call me so I actually have something to wear to bethanies graduation. hmmm…

I had an amazing talk with Lucas…  Although I think I might annoy him a little bit.  He talks sense into me, but I still get upset about things that I shouldn’t even care about.  It’s probably hard for him to watch someone he cares about get hurt all the time.

Well I beleive that’s all i have to say for now…

Until I decide to talk about it,

Suteki da ne?

-no, its  not.

 

Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss Uhn Tiss, Baby

He smelled like you last night…

Only for a second, but it was enough to make me slam on the brakes.

Yes I am over you,

I’m just not over the things you did to me.

This is a realization that came a little too late.

And you know what…

The scary part isn’t that he smelled like you.

It’s that I even remember what that smell is.

—-

Muffins at noon!

Yeah!

Great way to start the day, right?

And they’re whole grain… So later.. I’ll have to make a nice poop.

Ahh the joys of health food.

But any ways.

I’m sitting around at home.. Waiting for Thomas to get here to see me a few hours before I leave to go home for a week. I really should be cleaning right now. In fact, dad just came upstairs to coach me on how to clean my bathroom. hah!

Thomas is on his way over, after we had a little fight. Ahh the joys of early morning fights. We always have some episode on Saturday mornings. Why are we so cranky at this time? lol…

I can’t wait to get home!! I get to see my little pooka! I’m so excited. I’m going to cuddle the bajesus out of him.

Yesterday my credit card didn’t work at sonic! And I know I have monies in there. So I don’t know what its problem is. *hmmm*

So… I officially graduate today. Happy graduation to me!!! Congrats, Beck. Ahhh… ha… hah… ha! That’d be nice if I could hear it from someone else. ahhhhhhhhhh…. stunning.

But yea, besides waking up particularly bitter this morning, I guess there’s not much else to say.

Until next time,

Suteki da ne.

Happiness Happening

First day off of school!

yes!

I’ve spent most of it talking to dad, and on the computer. I’ve been awake for like three hours, but it feels like not very long at all.

I’m going to go tanning here shortly, after this post. I haven’t written for two days, and I feel like such a slacker.

Debbie is on her very first chemo… AKA the grumpy chemo. And it makes me feel really bad. I know how much she hates it…

I feel a lot better about all of my kstate stuff. Dad called today and got us an appointment. She said enrollment is in June, and orientation is on June 17th. So we’re not behind in that… just housing.

I leave Saturday to go home to mom. I’m pretty excited to see my little brother!! I’ll be sure to take oodles and oodles of pictures of him while I’m there too, so I can put some up.

I have this crazy feeling that I have something majorly important to do today… and it’s driving me nuts!

But that could just be because I don’t have anything to do. lol

Here are my grades so far:

Chem:B

Psych: A

Gov: B

Eng: B

Art: A

Modern Nov: A

Sooo… depending on if I got an A or a B in lit.. I’ll have a 3.4 or 3.5 GPA. Which is pretty impressive if you ask me.

But yeah.. I just barely skimmed Gov. I ended up with a 79.5% So BARELY a b. haha. Doesn’t matter.. It’s the same GPA whether its a 79.5 or an 89.4

Poor Thomas! He’s going to be so bored without me for a week! I wish he could come with me… But he still has school. sucka! hah

I have quite a few people that I need to visit while I’m in town… Pyro, Lucas, Sam…

I’m deciding on whether or not I’m going to visit Mike in Plainville while I’m up north.

Might…

Might not…

It’s kind of in the air right now… We’ll have to see.

I don’t really have anything particularly interesting to tell of today.

I have an appointment with either Liz or Ginger tomorrow. Neither of which I really care to see. But I have to. The Lamictal hasn’t been working at all… So I guess it’s back to the drawing board. *sigh*

I have work today at three thirty… But that’s all that I really HAVE to do. Dad wants me to help him with some work after that… He said he’ll pay me. So I guess it’s a chance at some extra cash! Which is always nice.

I’m going to be poor when I get back from seeing mom, because my next paycheck is going to be little to nothing. Prolly like fifty bucks. hah I had to miss tuesday, and then I’ll be gone all next week, and both weekends. So I’ll be quite a bit poor. hah!

I officially graduate this weekend. So I better be getting some graduation presents! Especially since I got the two year in ONE. If that’s not worth something… then idk what is! lol

Some of the things on my list:

Mini-Fridge

Printer

TV

Microwave

Thats all for now I think. But a minifridge would be freakin awesome!

I’m actually pretty stoked about moving… Just have to find a way to sneak thomas in to my dorms on the weekends… hah! We’ll figure something out.

Anyways.. It is now two hours till work.. So I’m going to go get my tanning time in.

Until next time!

Suteki da ne

Made of Glass

This will yet again be a relatively quick post.

Only six more minutes till I leave to go pick up thomas from school.

Needless to say, I am not exactly excited about going to work.

I am such a procrastinator.. I haven’t even gotten around to taking some good pictures of my hair yet. Or I would put them up. I guess that will have to wait for another day…

..as well as that poem, which I had full intentions of copying down just now… but it just to happens to be downstairs in my backpack.

I had Feta Cheese for lunch. Which always makes my day bright and cheery.

But the chemicals in my brain beg to differ. So I’m listening to a little Infected Mushroom… Waiting for the time to pass so I can hurry up and get to work so I can hurry up and get home… So I can hurry up and study, so I can hurry up and sleep.

hurry, hurry, hurry.

But soon it will be summer time. And there will be much less hurry. (hopefully).

Although I am taking 12 hours. So maybe I’ll be just as continually stressed out as I always am. Because with my luck, I will have picked out the four most demanding summer electives of the whole bunch. But I guess there wasn’t much to choose from. So maybe it isn’t really all my fault.

I guess this was just a quick post. A nice little time waster…

Although I do like my title. It is quite nice. Too bad I wasted it on this tiny little 300 word post!

No Topanga’s in town.. So I will have to wait until we go to Bartlesville again.

I guess I’ll chat later. Hopefully a good long post full of thought for a change!

Until then,

Suteki da ne.