Alexithymia

“With downcast eyes
There’s more to living than being alive

Are you where you thought you’d be
So beautiful and only twenty-three
Opposition rests in the hearts
With no, with no, with no opportunity
It’s not that we don’t talk
It’s just no one really listens and honesty fades
Like a politician lost in the course
All smiles and no one remembers our names“

-Anberlin

Lets see…

What did I do today again?

I seem to be having problems remembering…

oh

yes…

thats right!

I slept.

In fact, it is two in the morning right now. And I’ve been asleep since 7:30 pm. Plus the two hour nap this morning… AND the five hours before work that I’m about to partake in…

put that all together.. and I believe that gives you about 13.5 hours. Half of a day of my life… and I spend it asleep.

Gah… My head hurts so bad… I feel a migraine coming on.

Great.

And the reason for this newly developed epidemic?

Alexithymia.

And for those of us who don’t know exactly what that is…

Alexithymia – noun – difficulty in experiencing, expressing, and describing emotional responses.

So what exactly is my problem?

Well…

In general… The problem is that I’ve known about Debbie for two days now.

And besides sleeping half of that time…

I’ve given it no response.

I don’t think about it, I don’t talk about it, I don’t cry about it. (except for a few times)

But what is wrong with me in specific…

well… Your guess is as good as mine.

I don’t think it has anything to do with NOT having any emotional ties to the subject. Because she is in fact my mother… (step-mother, but it has all become the same to me). Maybe it is just my minds defense mechanism. Maybe it is that I don’t want to think about it. That I don’t want to express it, because then it will overcome me… consume me… just like the fear of my own death.

Or maybe that’s the problem. Maybe it isn’t my own death that I fear, but the death of anyone at all. Especially the people that I most care about.

Or, maybe it’s that my mind just can’t process it right now. It just seems so unreal to me that someone can give you an “expiration date”. Just like you’re a piece of fruit with a bruise… and you’ll be bad in a few days. How is that even fair? How can something like this just go on happening without anyone figuring it out yet? It’s just so unfair. But then again.. what isn’t?

This seems to be the path that my life is taking. Slowly eating away at every strand of optimism I have left. Forcing me into situations that no one should ever have to deal with.

But I’m still here.

I read somewhere that bipolar disorder has a 20% successful suicide rate.

But I have my reasons for staying here.

But we’ll get into that some other time I suppose.

So.. I will try to work on curing this awful disease (alexithymia, for those of us who forgot what we were even talking about).. so I can finally relax and live my life ALIVE.

Poor Thomas… Kid doesn’t really know what to think about all of this. I’m sure it’s hard for him to relate in some ways, but he does his best to help me deal with this stuff. Including letting me skip out on him on a Friday night to pass out on his bed for seven hours.

But on a slightly brighter note…

Last day of ICC classes EVER!

Besides the ones I have online this summer… But those don’t matter because I wont have to actually talk to anyone. Which is nice.

I need to get Kstate crap figured out. Because it would make me angry to have to live with someone. Gah. I dislike girls… and that close a range with one would probably drive me up a wall.

Work tomorrow… Then art show… Then shower… Then I’ll probably hang out with the family (and thomas).

That should be enjoyable. Hopefully I don’t pass out again…

In exactly four and a half hours I will be at a donut shop… yay! Go nuts for donuts! What a great way to start a day… the sugar induced coma way!

I think that’s it for now… Probably more tomorrow… And definitely will try to remember to get that emo poetry up… As well as some pictures from the art project that got second place in the SEK art competition. Won me some monies! I was pretty excited, although thomas still isn’t too impressed with it. hah. Maybe collages just aren’t his thing. Although he argues that collages aren’t MY thing. This just proves that I’m the awesomeness at collage. haha.

I’ll also put pictures of my little statue up here too. It’s carved out of this weird wood/foam stuff… and I did it with a spoon and a bobby pin! hah. So I’m slightly impressed with it as well.

Untill then,

Suteki da ne

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